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About Digital Art / Student Core Member Bambi (Amber Wood)22/Female/United States Groups :iconpuffland: PuffLand
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Topic Zootopia; would you like... 

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GothicBlueEyes
Bambi (Amber Wood)
Artist | Student | Digital Art
United States





Interests

Light in Darkness

Journal Entry: Mon Feb 20, 2017, 11:37 AM


Hello everyone.

I have be dreading this post for a long time and have been juggling it about whether or not I should post this. I have not been wanting to post too much personal information about myself because a lot of close people in my life are starting to discover my online life recently and parts of me fear them finding out the truth of myself. But. I think it’s time to let this out there and to go on with my life. You are my family and I want you to know what is happening. The reasons to my inactivity. Among a lot of my supporters, followers, friends, family, know of my issues I deal with on a day to day basis.

-

I suffer with bi-polar depression, anxiety, I have doubts, insecurities, trust and family issues. My depression takes over majority of my life but most days, I act like it is not there. Somedays, people cannot even notice that I am suffering. It seems that the depression cloud was glooming over me, more, and more as time rolled on. I saw nothing but darkness. Until one day, I saw something shining in the distance. Approaching the light, I was drawn to it and soon the darkness seemed like a distant memory. I wanted to take the light for myself and wanted this light to be mine and mine alone and wanted it to be by my side forever. In all honestly, this light had been there this whole time but I was facing the wrong way to see it. As of late, I have been wanting and yearning for a relationship with someone but because of my trust issues, that was kept away. This light. This person. I’ve only known them for a short period of time, and yet, I feel I can trust them with everything. Everything I suffered with, went out the window. Just having this light near me, made everything go away. I was no longer depressed. I no longer felt anxious, no doubts, no insecurities. I felt they really cared for me, and it made me truly smile every time I saw them. Sad as it may. Having a big heart is nothing to be proud of. You fall in love, so easily and in the end, you hurt and fall harder then you did falling for that person. Simple words, simple exchanges, mean the world to big hearted people. And yet, simple words and simple exchanges, can shattered the world at the same time.

This light, I was comfortable going to, I could talk to them about anything. Simple or complex. I felt we were connected at the wire. I felt this person was starting to feel the same for me as I did for them. Friends love each other, yes. But. For me, when I said I would love you no matter what. It was deeper then you could imagine. You exchanged that you loved me in return. But. How did you mean that? Friends. Or were you starting to feel how I felt. It’s hard to say. Defiantly as when things started to change around us. This light being around, I could finally see the world around me. I saw other lights off in the distances and happiness around the corner. The broken lights I saw were from the past and I wanted nothing to do with it. I forgot about them. I could find reasons to laugh and smile. And all my problems went away. But then, I was sadden by what I saw around you when I looked back. Another person. Wanting the light I wanted.

I was frozen to my spot. I knew of your history with this person. You were broken so many times because of them. And yet, you let them take you back in their grasp. Why?

I can see the evil smirk on her face. I can sense the bad darkness around her. She suffers as I do but I feel, she is taking advantage of your light. I see, she comes to you when she needs you and plays with your heart. She uses you and when she is done, she walks away but then, finds her way back to you when she cannot find another light. And does this, repeatedly. Why do you give into her?

Because you love her, isn’t it?

You feel you can be her light and light her darkness. But you cannot light someone in the dark if they are blind. She is blind. She cannot see you’re beautiful.

The other lights around us, shout in dismay. They hate you for choosing her. They side with me in secrecy, they want what’s best for him but also, best for me. They want him to be happy and make his own decision but do not wish to see him hurt. They want me with him but they hate how I am suffering, watching this all. These lights around me, they vibrate and try to shake me as I slowly start to fade back into the darkness.  They fear I will never come back out. They want me to stay. But as time continues on, seeing him with her. I am 10 steps further into the darkness. It hurts so much to see this, I grow ill, my heart aches. I began to hurt myself to rid the pain I felt. The pain on my wrist, covered the pain in my heart. I always brought myself up, everytime I see you. I think everytime, maybe there is hope. You can be my light. But then, you drag her back in. And I fall harder. I have walked home, crying my eyes in the middle of the streets. I want to talk to you still though, because this distance I try to put between us hurts ever so much. You mean so much to me, and just saying hi, means everything to me. I smile just from a nod. I melt when you hug me. But I still hurt, at the same time. I’ve been in darkness for so long, that when you see, this one light. That is calling your name, you have trouble moving on. I can’t put distance between us, no matter how hard I try. I want you in my life.

But, did you think I didn’t notice. You found out, didn’t you? I feel you did. People constantly shouting in your ears about this girl. And then one person, shouted about me in the mess. That person basically told him, I had feelings for him. I feel he knows now. And what do I see? I slowly feel you are distancing yourself from me.

We don’t talk like we did. I want to but you ignore me. You act friendly. But its not like you did before. We use to hug a lot. Now I don’t get any…It hurts. Are you doing this, feeling it’s what’s best for me? Do you put distance between us to resist having feelings for me while you are with her? Does she fear I will take you away? It seems she doesn’t like me. It seems like she hates me.

 I hate myself again. It all comes flooding back. Depression. Anxiety. Doubt. Insecurities. I must be selfish, I count the days until she hurts you again. I want to be there for you when it happens. I want to shake you and drag you away from her. But how long do I have to wait? Should I even have to wait? It hurts seeing her there, whenever you are around. I just want to smack her for everything she has caused. I want to smack you for everything you caused. Even though, you are not aware what is happening to me. I can’t tell you officially how I feel. Why? I look back. A few of those broken lights where once people like you. Someone I cared for. Developed feelings for. And then, expressed to them how I felt. And soon. Those lights flickered off and were out of my life. Rejected me and shooed me away.

With you, I can sense this feeling is different. I am older. I am more wiser. It truly is something different. You are different. I don’t want that light to fade and shatter away from me. I don’t want you to be a light in my past. I want you to be the light in my present, my future. That is why I bottle up my feelings for you. But it hurts ever so much.

I was the first to be facing the wrong way when you shined behind me.

Now, I await for you, to turn around and see me behind you.

-

Dealing with this has been hard. People close are worried so much that I am going to truly hurt myself or explode from everything happening. I fear this as well.

I am going to be seeking for help. Hope sooner, then later.

 


 - update

I do want to let everyone know. I am fine. After posting this, I feel loads better. All of this was just bottling up and now that I talked about it and let it out here, I can finally breath. this was just a way for me to let it out.




Artist






Comments


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:icon29-am:
29-am Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2017
Hi Bambo //waves
How are you?
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconhopelessromantic1997:
HopelessRomantic1997 Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2017  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Hey, how are you doing? ^^
You up for chatting?
Reply
(1 Reply)
:icontoby512:
Toby512 Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2016   Digital Artist
Hi ^^, thanks for the Llama badge. :3
Reply
:iconkuku88:
kuku88 Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Happy late birthday! I finally finished your birthday drawing! :D
:Gift: Whimsical Butterfly
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconpasslyblue:
PasslyBlue Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Happy Birthday :)
Sorry late commentSweating a little... 
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconnamco-nintendofan-88:
Namco-NintendoFan-88 Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2016  Student Traditional Artist
HAPPY 22nd BIRTHDAY, Bambi (Amber Wood), a.k.a. "GothicBlueEyes," dear traditional/digital animation/manga/anime/character artist gal! Hug
Singing Singing Singing Singing Dance! Dance! Boogie! Boogie! Party Airborne

Good luck, beautiful, and I hope you'll have a great birthday today!
Also wishing you keep up the good work on all awesome traditional/digital animation/manga/anime/character art 'n drawings; I love 'em! ;) (Wink) Heart
Thumbs Up Pringles Have your cake and eat it too Yummy pie!

You can also follow me on all my social medias:
YouTube: www.youtube.com/user/arremacho…
Google+: plus.google.com/10736109626351… Google+
Facebook: www.facebook.com/nelson.cobian… :facebook:
Pinterest: www.pinterest.com/nelsoncobian… Pinterest Icon ultramini

Comments by:
Nelson C. [my real name],
"N.N.F.88"
11:30 P.M.
Los Angeles, CA ;) (Wink)

Since I wouldn't have been able to do some birthday muro drawings, I got you three extra drawing copies, so...
SURPRISE;
Believe it or not, three birthday muro drawing copies I made, of birthday feet, chibi Haruhi Suzumiya, and Mikuru Asahina wishing you one, so, wishes 'n' luck!
Click on them:
muro00.deviantart.net/d9e2/z/2…
orig07.deviantart.net/00d4/f/2…
muro00.deviantart.net/9f3a/z/2…
Reply
:iconultrajohn567:
UltraJohn567 Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2016
Happy Birthday!
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconkuku88:
kuku88 Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
SO I HEARD IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY SO HERE YOU GO!:

Happy birthday! :icondummypartyplz:
Hope you have a good one! :party:

:iconballoonplz: :cake: :iconballoonsplz: :cake:  :iconcakeplz: :cake: :iconrainbowcakeplz:  :cake: :iconcumple1plz::iconcumple2plz: :cake: :iconrainbowcakeplz: :cake: :iconcakeplz: :cake:  :iconballoonsplz: :cake: :iconballoonplz:

I'm currently super swamped with homework for summer school, but I'll try to draw something for you soon!
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconpollykrose34:
PollykRose34 Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2016  Student General Artist
happy birthday sweetie :3 Happy Tails Emoticon :happybounce: Airborne Boogie! Party Cupcake GIF Icon - Five Nights at Freddy's happy DA B-day :3 Birthday cake  icon MenInASuitcase fella Gift (Party) Happy Birthday Happy 
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconpw-lovehearts-16:
PW-Lovehearts-16 Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2016  Student Filmographer
happy birthday :)
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconlnsert-creative-name:
lnsert-creative-name Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
:party: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! :party:
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconpuffy-ppg-artist:
Puffy-PPG-Artist Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2016  Student Digital Artist
Happy birthday!! ^^ Wish you the best birthday ever! >////<
Five Nights at Freddys 2- Chicas Cupcake -Icon GIF Birthday cake  icon fella's Gobbler (Party) Birthday cupcake Birthday Cake  :D KimRaiFan's Bday Cake 
Reply
(1 Reply)
:icon10bendog:
10Bendog Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Let me give you another generic Birthday message.

Happy Birthday!!!

 I think 3 exclamation marks are just enough, but I still feel like I'm missing something...

Five Nights at Freddys 2- Chicas Cupcake -Icon GIF Happy Birthday Godliek :D Happy Birthday Grin Birthday cupcake Lily Wishing a Happy Birthday 

That's better.
Reply
(2 Replies)
:iconartistdetective:
ArtistDetective Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2016  Student General Artist
Happy birthday. Meow :3 Super Fantastic Golden Platter Cake 3D Happy Birthday Godliek :D 1st Emoticon: Happy Birthday Birthday cake  icon MenInASuitcase
Reply
(1 Reply)
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